We had our 12 week checkup today and got to see our babies. They were both PERFECT and doing beautifully. It is absolutely amazing to see two little people moving around and thriving inside of you. One baby had the hick-ups and the other was sucking it's hand. So crazy to see all that activity and not be able to feel a thing. Both babies had a heart beat of 164 and were measuring 12 weeks 6 days. We also found out the babies are fraternal, not identical twins. No doubt yesterdays appointment made things feel more real than ever!! :)
I have really struggled this month with letting my heart worry about all the worst case scenarios that could have taken place this at this appointment. With our first pregnancy we went in for our twelve week checkup with no signs of anything wrong to find the baby with no heartbeat. That experience has left me a little anxious about any 12 week checkup, but typically I am able to trust the Lord with whatever the outcome might be, without letting my imagination get the best of me. With this pregnancy however, I have struggled to surrender that control completely to Him.
I would surrender my thoughts to the Lord and ask him to bear the burden for me only to relinquish it back the next day. I was constantly reminding myself of His word, His promises and His character - that he LOVES me and that He LOVES my babies that he created them and He has numbered there days - that He is in control - that there is nothing I can do to earn this gift and so on. After several weeks of this back and forth I really felt the holy spirit convicting me to stop trying to write my own story. Because it isn't mine to write, and God's version is always SO much better than mine. Finally I was able to release the worry and control I had held so tightly to. It's embarrassing to admit how long it took me to get there, but I am grateful for the lesson, even if it isn't the first time I've had to learn it.
Yesterday before our appointment I felt completely calm and excited, something that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with God's grace and protection. I realize that is easy to say after a perfect appointment. But I'd like to think that regardless of how yesterday had gone my heart was in a place that would have allowed me to see God in the midst of any circumstance.
Here I am at 12 weeks